It's now approaching the end of the school year for grade twelve. The end of high school. The end of all my school years. Fine, exams are approaching too, as if I need reminding. But exams are not what I'm beginning to worry about now; I have enough people worrying about them for me. In fourth grade I had a friend to lean on. In fifth grade I had quite a few friends to lean on. Those friends stayed with me all through to grade 8. Grade 8 I had someone to lean on. In fact, I’ve always had a friend or friends to back me up. In grade 11 and twelve I’ve had good people who looked out for me, and who I could trust to put me in the right direction. The million dollar question is, of course, what do I do once they're gone? It’s kind of creepy to think about actually. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not about to break down and cry for two weeks about this, but.... seriously. It’s going to be kind of weird... I like the idea of being on my own in terms of my parents leaving me alone, but my friends are something else entirely. When I’m on my own, who's going to do retarded things with me? People might not find it quite as funny if I just act like an idiot on my own. It takes two to tango... in the middle of Sahara. We were sober. I think. Who’s going to talk with me about music and the latest computer game and the random stuff that happens in them? And who of all people is going to stop me doing stupid things (not on purpose, the kind of things that happen unintentionally)? Who’s going to make me more street smart? And when I get in a fight (I probably mean when I get beaten up), who's going to have my back? Who’s going to talk me put of incredibly bad ideas? I'm not the cleverest when it comes to real life in the real world. Half the time I don't realise when I’m being swindled, or I’m not getting my due. Without my friends there, how am I going to know what's going on? This school has been my whole life, essentially, for nine years. Almost a decade in the same school does create a certain fondness of it, to say the least. Some people do nothing but complain about it. They say the people in it are irritating, and some even skip school half the time for the dual reason of being able to do more work at home and enabling them not to be around the school environment. I agree. It is sort of crap sometimes. In fact make that a lot of the time. The amount of gossip that goes on around here is disgusting. The amount of talking that goes on behind people's backs is sickening. That doesn't mean I’m innocent. I’m not clean, I’m far from it. In fact, being at this school for nine years, I’ve probably said more mean things about people around me than other people who have only been here for a few years. But I’m a product of my environment. And at least I can admit in front of everyone who reads this that I can complain about just about everyone. Of course, I can also complain about just about everything anyway, but that's not the point. There are two girls in my class who always hang around together. I swear they're inseparable. They are the best students in the class in terms of academic ability and I guess they are best friends. But just a few days ago, one of the girls went to the toilet, and the other girl still in the room started telling the boys just across from her that she wasn't like her friend, very strongly suggesting that her friend was an idiot compared to her. That’s not nice. But if you want an example of part of the UWCSEA spirit, there it is. A while back, I was with two of my best friends. Two of us were asking the other who he liked. He gave us one hint, which I suspect was a fake hint anyway, and nothing else. No matter how much we asked, no matter what we said, he wouldn’t say anything about it. Eventually he just said "it's not that I don't trust you guys, but..." I understood then that it wasn't that he didn't want to trust us, but that he couldn't. The only way to prevent the whole school finding out within days was to keep it to himself, even if that meant keeping it from two of his best friends. He then explained that he never expected me to tell him who I liked, but it was fine. I understood. And most of all, I respected him for not saying anything. I know I probably couldn't have done the same thing. Weak minded, I suppose. But it does show what this school is like. This school is also elitist. Not elite. Elitist. That means they don't necessarily produce elite students, but they pick potential elite students. If they don't think you're going to make it, they ask you to leave. This school also brings in bags of money. Incredible amounts of money. And they still ask for more, for every little fieldtrip or school outing or whatever it is. Someone once said that this school is a way to get connections with important and powerful people later in life. I haven't confirmed that yet, but if that's true, that's slightly sick. I’m not saying this whole school is rotten to the core. I’ve focused on the negative aspects that I’ve experienced as a student here. But bear in mind, I’ve had a lot to complain about. I’ve also experienced friendship here. I’ve experienced sympathy here. I’ve experienced betrayal, but also forgiveness. I’ve experienced hurt, but also revenge. I’ve experienced morality here. I’ve experienced rebellion here. I’ve experienced love. Through its people and experiences, this school has probably taught me more about life than I would have learnt if I hadn’t attended this school. Maybe it isn’t the nice, happy, friendly place it claims to be. And I know that it is nowhere near perfect. To be honest, it’s quite a hellhole. But at this point in time, it’s a hellhole that I was a part of, no matter how insignificantly, for more than half my life. Maybe the full impact of it won’t hit me all right now, maybe it will months or even years later. But after I part with it, this is a hellhole that I’m going to miss.

Why did they get married? Now that I think about it, it doesn’t make sense. She doesn’t understand any of his, and therefore my, humour. She doesn’t understand him in the least and all she ever wants to do is keep giving to her family. She always misunderstands him and reads into things which she shouldn’t, because all she’ll do is get confused and angry. He doesn’t understand her either. Whether it’s English or Chinese, sometimes he just doesn’t understand what the hell she’s talking about. And then they get confused. Then they get angry. Then they shout, often using local idioms or expressions which the other doesn’t understand. Then they have huge shouting matches, arguments that last for up to half an hour, with repercussions and consequences that can last for days. Sometimes they don’t talk for a week. I don’t know how much more I can take. I know she means well but if I say anything, especially a joke, then she reads into it. Sarcasm is usually the one which gets her going. She doesn’t understand me at all. If I’m depressed, she tries to give me fruits, not an audience. If I try to tell her that the world means nothing then she threatens to take away my possessions and then gets exasperated when I say I don’t care. That’s an extreme case but it happened. I’ve tried to tell myself that it’s not fair to expect understanding of wordplay and sarcasm from her, as it’s not part of her culture. How good is your Chinese compared to her English?, he always says. But even though I’ve been searching, I can’t find any equivalent to sarcasm in Chinese culture. There is nothing. Only rules about society. I give you, I take back. You give me a message, I try to find hidden meaning, regardless if there is one or not. I offer you something, if u don’t take it, I shove it down your throat. Always respect ur elders, even if they bully and humiliate you. There is no sense of freedom in the culture. And thanks to my dual culture upbringing, I’ve had the best and worst and everything in between of both worlds. I learnt through him that you shouldn’t talk about people behind their backs because it makes you a liar and a cheat. It makes you scum. I learnt through her that as long as people don’t know you’re scum, its ok. As long as they don’t hear what you say, its ok. What people don’t know can’t hurt them. Which rule do I live by? I live by both. Sick, really. It depends how I’m feeling. I learnt through her that you can be ruthless, heartless without a conscience, just by concentrating on the feeling of power you get when you’re cold and uncaring. I learnt through him that you should always try to be compassionate, try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and sympathise. I learnt through her to make spiteful comments to people just to make them feel bad. Combine that with the ability to make quick sarcastic jokes without thinking and I end up making sarcastic, spiteful comments without meaning to.

I learnt through him that real strength of character is seen when you make peace with those you have just fought with, especially if you have won the fight, rather than gloat and insult them. Combine that with an emotional boy who couldn’t hold his own in a fight against a squirrel, and you get some wimp with hearts in his eyes. Take that kid and chuck him into UWCSEA, fourth grade. Throw in a bully who’s popular and ten times larger than everyone else. Then put the kid through nine years of UWC, where he’s screwed up and tried to adapt so many times he’s forgotten who he was. In the end you get one twisted fucked up seventeen year old who goes by the alias of splinter. In the last few years, things have changed quite a bit. Not necessarily for the better. I have learnt the hard way where my real enemies lie. I have learnt the hard way what it’s like to be on the receiving end of the rule of ‘what someone doesn’t know can’t hurt them’, victim of someone I once considered a close friend. Sometimes I feel I cannot relate to the friends that have stayed true to me. They are slightly different from me and sometimes I feel that they can do no wrong, while I am constantly making mistakes for them to laugh at and tease me about. I know that it should not be this way between friends but sometimes I feel as if their combined agreement on almost anything completely eclipses whatever I have to say about the topic at hand. I have changed in ways I did not wish to. I want to go back to my old ways, even if just a little bit, but doing it would require being with the friend who betrayed me. I have learnt that although my friends may often seem very confident and more intelligent than I, they are still human and still make mistakes, even if they only come to regret it later. And when confronted with the mistake, they will admit it and apologise, but then speak of it no more. Friends can come from the most unlikely of places, and can prove to be more worthy than others in certain ways. I have no idea where I am going in this life, but I can only wonder what it will be like. When I was younger, I always assumed that when I reached the age of eighteen, I would be more responsible, more mature, smarter and a better person. I will be eighteen in less than a year. I’m not so sure if I’m any of the things I thought I was going to be. I have changed so much over the years, but perhaps not in the way which I might have chosen. Things have happened which have affected who I am now. I only hope that who I am is good enough for me to tackle whatever comes next.